Blog Post: Totally Real Dating Advice for Real Humans

Okay, listen up; Valentine’s Day is just around the proverbial corner, and you still don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend. I’ve recently read a blog post that said blogs should endeavor to help their readers, because this way more people will read your helpful posts. Well lucky you, as this is my contribution to the overall well-being of society and the real people who try to date other, real people.

Because I value your time in this hectic modern world of ours, let us make this thing a list. As we all know, attentions spans tend to be on the shorter side in this digital age; so let’s say, hmmm, a top five list of dating advice? Sounds good to me. So grab your roses and boxes of chocolate, and prepare to write everything down on a perfume-coated note that you will pass onto your paramour who will then hopelessly fall in love with you.

So here it is:


1. Keep that Phallus in your Pants

HOT DAMN, we are off to a flying start! Jumping right away into the deep end and talking about dicks. But seriously though, no-one wants to see that mangled sausage that you dropped accidentally off your plate and your dog chewed on for a bit before you wrestled it back. It is bar none the ugliest part of a man’s body, in my own manly opinion.

As we are all living in the modern age, dating has changed a lot. No longer do you pass notes to your crush, or serenade your forlorn love underneath their bedroom window (which is also kinda creepy to be honest). No, no, no! It has changed to swiping left and right on your cellular device, and sending pictures of yourself on Snapchat or whatever. And for that reason specifically, my advice is: do not send unsolicited wiener photographs, a.k.a dick pics to anyone ever. Keep your dang clothes on, unless requested otherwise! If you keep things mysterious (obviously not too mysterious; wearing an off-putting mask or something) and show little to the opposition, they will imagine things. And most of the time, if they like you, their imaginings will be ten times sexier that what they will really find under all those layers of clothes. NB! This advice works both ways.

2.1 Take your Time

Whew, that previous advice was quite the bang to start with! So lets talk about something boring now. Patience. Even if it is boring, and it is, patience is key during modern dating. Lets say you are using, for example, Tinder, one of those hugely popular dating apps where you try to find matches based on other people’s pictures and bios. You swipe left and right according to whose face you like and don’t like; then ding goes the app, as you get connected with a match who also liked you. Job well done, you now have someone interested in you. Easy, right? Well that part is. The next part is not.

While modern dating apps and websites make it easier and faster than ever to connect with total strangers from different cities (maybe countries even), getting someone to like you still takes as much time as ever. Maybe even longer. Using these dating apps, no-one is going to fall in love with you the second you two get matched. There are so many people on those things, constantly swiping and finding new matches. By saying that, I mean that you need to be patient enough to warrant someone’s interest in you. While someone chats with you, they are probably chatting with other people as well. Now don’t be sad or angry about this revelation, that’s what the app is used for. If you are interested in a particular person; talk to them more and even more, and try to find common ground in something. Maybe you both like Twilight (weird), or maybe you both only like watching reruns of Doogie Howser, M.D (very weird), whatever. My point is: rise above all the other potential bachelors and bachelorettes by showing long-term interest in the person of your choosing.

This analogy also works with non-dating-app-situations. One might be friends with someone for a long time. Then through sheer happenstance or common interests, both people start to like each other even more. Time and patience, only those two nebulous things modern humans seem to lack are required.

2.2 Shoot your Shot

I am deeply sorry in advance for this, but I hate making sports metaphors when talking about dating. It makes me feel like one of those bro dudes on YouTube who is wearing sunglasses inside, and giving you really terrible advice.

But I’m going to do it anyway. Screw the rules!

Referring to my previous point, sometimes things take time. You can pass the football slowly, yard by yard up the football field, until you reach the proverbial end zone, like the Kansas City Chiefs (topical sports joke). But sometimes, you have to throw up a Hail Mary and hope for a catch, like actual, entertaining football teams do.


Is there a cute boy/girl/other you would like to ask out? Just do it! Take a chance, however bad the odds seem to you. Because you never know until you try. And you’ll never really know if you don’t! And now you’re thinking: “But what if I get rejected?”. And to that I only have to say: fantastic news! Congratulations, you just got rejected! Your celebratory pin is in the mail. What I mean by this is that getting rejected is healthy, and everyone gets rejected sometimes. I can’t even count all the times I’ve started with a joke on Tinder, just to get shot down immediately by the other person, and that’s fine! Then someone else might like my stupid joke, probably. Shoot your shot, and just go for it!

3. Do not Expect Anything from Anyone

This one is for all the ‘nice guys‘ out there. This piece of advice is going to be short and very simple: NO-ONE OWES YOU ANYTHING. Are you a supreme gentleman, who always treats everyone (especially women) with the utmost respect and kindness? Good for you, because that is just common decency. No-one still owes you one goddamn thing. Your gentlemanly/gentlewomanly(?) ways will not be awarded with sex or anything else for that matter. Dating is not a bartering system.

Are you mad because your kindheartedness always goes unrewarded, and all the ‘bad boys’ get the girls? Expecting a reward for compliments or good deeds is, to be quite frank, absolutely idiotic. It glaringly shows the true meaning behind your intentions if you get mad at someone for rejecting you, even if you were nice to them. This also goes back to the previous point I wrote about: learn to get rejected. What do you gain from complaining about getting rejected to the person who rejected you? MOVE ON.

Additionally, do you feel like you get rejected by everyone? It’s probably because they are all assholes, specifically out to get you and ruin your life. Oh wait, no it’s not. At that point, it is time to look in the mirror. I found a fantastic quote on reddit about this exact situation:

“If you smell shit everywhere you go, check your own shoes.”

4. Seriously, Keep that Schlong Down Under

What the hell dude, we just talked about this! Put your sexcalibur back in the sheath.

5. ? ? ?

We are finally nearing the end of this list, which wasn’t even a real list to begin with when you think about it. This last point is here to totally negate everything I’ve written in the past 1300 words or so. Well, maybe not negate numbers one and four. We still don’t need or want to see your danger noodle.

If this whole thing seems confusing to you, that’s mainly because dating other people can be very confusing as well. Modern dating is a vortex of randomness, because most of it is dictated by algorithms you can’t change. Still, every single single person out there (see what I did there) is different, and might be looking for someone else. Everyone has different preferences, some of which they don’t even realize they have. Do not get bewildered! Strike out a thousand times (damn sports metaphors)? That’s totally okay, so have many many others. Let’s face the reality of dating and life together: everything is random and we are all going to die. Wow, that got super dark all of a sudden. The point I was trying to establish was that while it is all random, there is still a chance for everyone to find another person who is also looking for someone exactly like you.

While the credits of this totally real blog post about real advice for dating are rolling; we’ll play it out with a classic from Bo Burnham:

Thanks for reading

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